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A New Idea in Snack Food – Thrillist, 8/01
Everything’s better when it’s sexed up. No one gets excited about a carwash until a soapy bimbo is buffing their rims. The Supreme Court was a total snooze until Ruth Bader Ginsburg brought her special brand of seduction to the bench. Now, finally, someone has made snack foods sexy. Dee’s Nuts, out of South Carolina, cycles every nut they sell between the breasts of a beautiful woman.
Dee’s Nuts ships all of our nuts out of Charleston, SC and approximate shipping time is typically 1-3 business days anywhere in the Continental U.S.
For 800,000 years, men have enjoyed nuts, but it took Dee’s Nuts’ singular vision to master the delicate sex/nut synergy. According to the founders, the saga began when an errant nut flew between the ample cans of a female friend. Someone ate the nut, and discovered the hallowed journey had mysteriously made it tastier. Now Dee’s Nuts employs three vixens to “cleavage filter” their nuts before sacking them up and sending them to customers.
We had our suspicions too, but an overnight delivery convinced us that Dee’s are no novelty nuts. Dee’s peanuts are particularly delicious: salt-encrusted and a little smoky, which we attribute to the filterers’ 3-pack-a-day Virginia Slims habit. We recommend always having Dee’s Nuts on hand for guests to munch on.
These days, protein is very fashionable, and with sex coming back into vogue, Dee’s Nuts is bound to be a smashing success. Still, we can’t be absolutely certain who’s really filtering Dee’s Nuts. They do taste like Southern D-cups, but it could easily be beefy rednecks in overalls, or, worse yet, nobody. But until Doritos starts shipping Cool Ranch wrapped in thongs, for sexy snacks, Dee’s are your best bet.
Boobs and Nuts – BS Observer 5/18
Every once in a while someone comes along and figures something out that utterly transforms their entire industry. I’m thinking about the iPod, the Prius, and the much touted Wingdipper. But I have never ever seen someone come along and parody the act of transforming an industry in a way that makes his product utterly irresistible.
Are you with me so far? Can you really joke about break-through innovation AND move product at a blistering pace? Oh yes, you can.
Dee Williams, the creator of the Dees Nuts brand is just such a person. Dee developed a nut processing system that very well may change the business forever. Unlike other nuts that are largely unfiltered, Dees Nuts are cleavage filtered. Filtering the nuts through a woman’s ta-ta’s apparently removes the impurities and enhances the taste of almonds, pecans, peanuts and many other kinds of nuts. From their site:
“The saga began when an errant nut fell between the ample cleavage of a female friend. He ate the nut and discovered the hallowed journey had somehow made it tastier. Now Dee’s cycles every nut between the breasts of a beautiful woman.”
Apparently Dee has patented the DOUBLE DEE 600 mobile filtering unit to protect his brand from imitators. The products have received mixed reviews from the snack food industry, but the people seem to love ‘em.
“I find your product absolutely abhorrent. Have women become nothing more than a pair of breasts to caress a cashew?”
“I’m in a weird fluctuating state of outrage and amused disbelief.”